Category Archives: Humor

customs, Hessen, Humor, Military

It was that time again… driver’s chores and informal newsy signs!

This morning, Bill had to take me on post to get a new driver’s “license”. Actually, it’s not a license; it’s a special permit given to Americans living in Germany, courtesy of the US military. My Texas driver’s license is my real license, but I also have to get a card from the military, which grants me the right to drive in Germany. When we go to other European countries, technically, we’re supposed to have an international driver’s permit.

I don’t know what we’re going to do if we stay here for much longer, because once my Texas license expires, I’ll have to renew it in person. And that will mean somehow establishing a residence there, when we live here… I think it might be time to trade the Texas license for a German one, or move back home. Or maybe do what a lot of contractors and their spouses do, and just drive on an expired license, which is risky, because it’s illegal. I remember back in 2015, there was a huge fiasco when German cops cracked down on American drivers with expired licenses. It did eventually get worked out, but this is a problem that a lot of folks like us eventually have to confront, if we stay in Germany.

Personally, I think we should just get German licenses. Since we have Texas licenses, we can just exchange them. But Bill worries about doing that, because anytime one does something official in Germany, it puts one on the government’s radar, and that could threaten our status as non German tax paying “temporary” residents. But I don’t see how getting a proper driver’s license is any worse than putting a child in a local school, which a lot of military folks do. I myself went to a British kindergarten, when my dad was serving his final years in the Air Force and we lived in England.

Anyway… today was the day to get a renewal, and due to Bill’s busy work schedule, we had to go today, which is a “walk-in” day. It’s lucky that we got there when we did, because there was a huge influx of people in the few minutes we waited. We were lucky enough to score chairs to sit on. While we were waiting, I was reminded of how much the military loves signs… and I couldn’t help but take a few photos of the ones posted in the building we visited to take care of today’s chore. I know I’ve written about this topic before, but I figured today was a good day for a reminder. Some of these signs are especially “newsy” (and some are reruns from the earlier post)!

Behold!

I actually wish I had this poster at home.
I was confused by this… but Bill explained it was a relic from the COVID era. It made me think of condoms.
I liked how the person who made this sign mentioned “common sense.” Yep, that can be lacking in some places.
I wonder how many people take this initiative to heart as they wash their hands.
A good reminder for public health.
Another newsy sign that made me guffaw.
Loose lips sink ships!
They are “totally understaffed”!
A rare multilingual sign. On the other side of the door, there is a sign that says “WOMAN”, as opposed to “WOMEN”.
Another newsy sign!

We saw the same guy who helped us the last time we renewed (in August 2019), but we were actually served by a different guy, who wore a Hawaiian shirt. Apparently, the office is “totally understaffed” right now… You can read all about it in the newsy sign requesting that people make appointments instead of walking in. We would have obliged, but Bill’s office is also “totally understaffed”. After filling out the paperwork, taking a quick eye test, and handing over $30 (up from $20 five years ago), we were all done. The line for licenses had gotten longer while we were taking care of business.

After we took care of renewing my USAREUR license, we headed back to the car, and I was reminded of how I’ve been in this system for most of my life. It occurred to me just how many military installations I’ve been on, due to the fact that my dad was a career Air Force officer, and my husband was a career Army officer, and now he works for the Army. It wasn’t my plan to be in this military life… but yet, here I am… a lifelong “dependent” (I refuse to refer to myself as a “dependa”, because that term is offensive.)

It also occurred to me how attracted I am to men in uniforms… There were quite a few handsome young guys standing in line, looking quite “hot” in their OCPs. The ladies also looked good. It made me miss the days when Bill wore a uniform to work every day. Hubba hubba!

I don’t even drive very often anymore, even though I have a car. I don’t see the point in going somewhere just for the hell of it. But I do need the legal license, because when we get back from our vacation, I have to take Charlie to the vet for a heartworm test, since he came from Kosovo. We want to make sure he wasn’t infested down there before we have him anesthetized for a much needed dental cleaning.

Yesterday, our neighbors brought over some cake for us, because that’s a tradition among some Germans on the first day of school. You make a cake, and share it with neighbors. I actually only heard of that tradition when this particular neighbor brought it up a couple of years ago. Anyway, it was nice of her! We had it for breakfast this morning.

Well… I think today, I will take care of a few routine chores, so I don’t have to worry about them tomorrow, before we jet off to Iceland. So ends today’s blog post! The next one will probably be written from an island in the northern Atlantic!

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Humor

Buying German food products for the “yuks”…

That’s right. “Yuks”. As in, laughing your ass off. I think we could all could use some more “yuks”, right?

Yesterday, while I was binge watching murder porn on Snapped, Bill came into our bedroom with a shelf stable container of oat milk. He likes to use animal free products sometimes because he’s a healthier person than I am on many levels. He said he bought the oat milk because of the label. Behold…

No bullshit! It’s “fucking good Oatmilk”.

Bill and I have both noticed that while Germany has rules against “Beleidigung“, that is, insulting people (especially people in authority like cops and politicians), they have no compunction about using English swear words in everyday language. For instance, one can be listening to an American pop song on the radio and if there are f bombs in it, you will hear them in all of their profane glory. Same thing with announcers on the radio, who regularly refer to “shitstorms”.

Personally, I’m alright with the profanity. I’m not a big believer in “bad words”, anyway. I really don’t think there is such a thing. Every word, in my opinion, is neutral. It’s the intent behind them that makes saying them good or bad. For instance, as a former English major at Longwood University, I took courses in African-American literature and Women’s literature. Both courses included slave narratives in which a certain taboo racist epithet was used repeatedly.

Was I offended? No, not really. That word was part of the lexicon at the time and the books would have lost their power without them. I was offended by the brutality of the way slaves were treated in those stories and the fact that their true stories are a shameful part of history. But the use of the n-word in those books is necessary. Same as it’s necessary in certain musical pieces, like Stevie Wonder’s “Living for the City”, and even in certain 70s and 80s era sitcoms, in which racism was a topic that was tackled. The word is used to convey the extent of the contempt and racism of those times. Taking it out would lessen the impact of the pieces.

Because of that– and because I love language and all its quirks– I don’t believe in “bad words”. I don’t think they should be used as weapons. I think people should be judicious in how they use their language. But I’m not a fan of “banning” any specific words… and, as we can see from the above label, even “bad” words can mean different things to different people. I know many Americans who would blush seven shades of red at simply reading that label. They sure as hell wouldn’t have bought the product! But my husband bought it because of the words “fucking” and “bullshit”. He knew that I would get a big kick out of them.

The words “fucking” and “bullshit” don’t have the same impact in Germany as they do in America, just like the words “cunt” and “fag” don’t mean the same to Brits as they do to us Yanks. Hell, until very recently, there was an old village in Austria called Fucking. I should know, because Bill and I visited. We also visited Fuckersberg, Austria, because we’re nerds like that. Fucking recently changed its name after hundreds of years of being known as “Fucking”. Why? Because Americans kept stealing their road signs and doing things like having sex under the the signs. What a shame. Typical Americans ruining things for everybody.

Sigh… I really miss traveling. I look forward to the day when I can write a post on my travel blog that is actually about travel. But, for now, I will continue to get a big kick out of “fucking good Oatmilk” that makes “sexy Milchkaffee”. Except I don’t think I could bring myself to try oat milk… so maybe not. Bill is calling me to breakfast, so off I pop. Have a great Valentine’s Day!

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Humor

Enjoying some extra dick last night…

Found these at the grocery store…  “extra dick” pommes.

 

Once you’ve been in Germany for awhile, you start picking up German words.  In German, the word “dick” means thick.  One might refer to “extra dick” meaning something is extra thick.  Or one could describe a person as being “dick”, but actually mean they are stout or hefty.  I’m sure German people describe me as “dick”, although thankfully I am not attuned enough to what Germans say to get my feelings hurt.

In English, the word “dick” means something other than “thick”.  Although a lot of older men were called Dick back in the day and some people wear “dickies” under their shirts, nowadays English speaking people tend to use that word for its more “slangy” definition that refers to a certain private part of the male anatomy.  And so, when English speakers see something described as “extra dick”, it gets us excited.  Especially when our spouses have been gone for over two weeks.

Bill came home last night, a few days early from his latest TDY.  I was very happy to see him, and we enjoyed steaks he bought on the way in.  He was going to cook potatoes, but the ones we had were not in very good condition.  I remembered I had these “pommes” in the freezer.  Pommes is another German/European word you will learn here, whether you want to or not.  They’re in all the restaurants, especially the Greek and German ones.

I hadn’t noticed the label when I bought these the other day, but then I saw they were “extra dick”.  I enjoy “extra dick”, especially in my potatoes and my men.  I shared this picture and many of my American friends got a kick out of it.  Yes, I know it’s inappropriate and not very ladylike, but we have to take our laughs where we can find them, right?

I don’t know what Bill and I will do today.  We have had such beautiful weather the past few days, but it changed last night and is now kind of cold and cloudy again.  I’m sure Bill will want to get used to being awake during the day again.  He worked overnights the whole time he was gone.  I’m just grateful to share my life with someone that I still miss very much when he’s gone… even after sixteen years of marriage.  It’s so good to have him home.

Meanwhile, I’ll be looking for our next cruise.

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